Why I sing, and how it helps my chronic pain and depression.
BACKSTORY:
Before the EDS-HT cut short my dancing career, after training from age 8, till I was just turning 21, dance was my entire life. My spiritual connection and expression, my love and enjoyment of life. Dance helped with all the depression and grief that went along with having a grandiose narcissistic, with psychopathic tendencies, for a mother, a paranoid delusional schizophrenic for a biological father, a pedophile for an uncle (who was also my care-give when I was very young), and then all the chronic illnesses and pain that crept into my life in my early teens. Dance kept me sane, then it was gone. A year later my step-father died, the man that literally saved my life from my mother, my biological father, and my uncle, from age 6 to age 21. I was cut loose, adrift. I was having panic attacks and chronic PTSD events, which I did not know were PTSD events at the time. I simply thought I was going or always was crazy.
Other than dancing, singing was my second love. I worked and worked at it. Tried to sing myself asleep as a child, when the many sleep disorders would not let me. I was good at mimicking other singers, but my voice was never any good. I was all stuffed up from chronic allergies and my tonsils were chronically so swollen they often touched across my throat. Kissing tonsils I was told such tonsils were called. Then, at the age of 21, a miracle happened that not only saved my life from possible death or injury, it suddenly aloud me to sing.
That miracle was the removal of both my tonsils and adenoids. I was in the Air Force Reverse training to be an Avionic & Radar Navigation equipment Electronic Technician (yea, I am one of those people who use both sides of their brain LOL). The year before I joined I had had chronic swollen and infected tonsils. Meds no longer worked, and having had such issues since I was very young, I thought nothing of it and simply persevered. When I joined the Air Force they saw the situation, but said I had to wait 6 more months until they had an Air Force medical history of the problem. The ear nose and throat doctor pooh poohed me and refused to take them out, even when they did not respond to meds or treatment very well and would always come back in less than a week. This was the time when the medical community switched from removing tonsils regularly to not at all, for fear of compromising a patients immune system. The doctor said I should just suck it up and let my body fix itself. I noted that it had not done so in 1.5 years, but he said all he could consider in my case was the six months I was in the Air Force, the rest was just my say so. Not valid.
Finally he groaned and agreed to take them out, even though he felt that it was not medically necessary. I grabbed at the chance to end the misery. I woke up after surgery and there was my doctor sitting on the bed next to me, head hanging, and hands clasped between his knees. He barely tipped his head back, looked me in the eyes and said, while wringing his clasped hands, "I owe you a huge apology!". Why I asked. He said, still poised on the edge of the bed, "I have never seen a more deserving pair of tonsils that needed to be removed. They were literally rotting away inside your throat. When ever I tried to remove them they would simply fall apart from my slightest touch. You have the right to be so angry with me." I looked at this man, so full of horror at what he had put me through, he was obviously ready to take what ever I was going to give him. He was so sorry and was taking responsibility for his actions, and was not trying to avoid the consequences, so I told him that it was all okay. It turned out well, and he learned something and was taking full responsibility and acceptance for the consequences of his past actions. I saw no reason for further action. I respected him even more as a doctor now. To say the least he was floored and asked me if I was sure. I was. He was such a attentive doctor till I left the hospital after that conversation! LOL Though, got to say it was nice that I did not have to die for him to realize his mistakes. EDS-HT makes people very susceptible to infections, which can often become chronic in nature. But I was only 21 and I would not be diagnosed with EDS-HT till I was 52, just a measly ten years ago.
Suddenly, to my great joy, I could not only sing, I could, somewhat stay on key. What I was not aware of was that EDS-HT gave me an extremely high arched palate, and very flexible vocal chords. With the removal of tonsil and adenoids, the back of my throat was now clear, full and spacious. The high arch gave me a full round sound, and the flexible vocal chords, as I practiced and gained control, also added depth and a full 2.5 octave range. According to "Songwise, An Information Based Resource For Singers, By Vocal Technique Instructor, Karyn O'Connor" (http://www.singwise.com/cgi-bin/main.pl?section=articles&doc=VocalTractShaping) "Opening the throat [to maximize the resonating space] involves raising the soft palate (velum), lowering the larynx and assuming ideal positions of the articulators (the jaw, lips and tongue), as well as shaping of the mouth and use of facial muscles ... The technique of the open throat is intended to promote a type of relaxation or vocal release in the throat that helps the singer avoid constriction and tension that would otherwise throttle or stifle the tone.
An 'open throat' - a misnomer for a few reasons - is generally believed to produce a desirable sound quality that is perceived as resonant, round, open, free from 'constrictor tensions', pure, rich, vibrant and warm in tone. It also produces balance, coordination, evenness and consistency, and a prominent low formant, which prevents the tone from sounding overly bright, thin or shrill."
TODAY:
"overly bright, thin or shrill' was how I use to sound, now with my spanking brand new open throat, I had a great musical instrument. Now I needed to train it. But there was a down side to having EDS-HT: Stretchy and easily damaged vocal chords. Unbeknownst to me, EDS-HT singers often loose their ability to sing in and around mid life. I once lost my voice from crying and waling when my husband left me and my 2 year old daughter, partially because I was chronically ill and getting worse. Something he never thought would happen (getting worse that is) when we married. Nice guy. Loosing my voice so scared me that I have been extremely careful, and have sought out information on how to protect my vocal chords as a singer since then. It was the best thing I could have done. Because of being so careful, and learning how to sing properly, by studying and taking a general singing class (for nearly 10 years), at 62, my voice is the best it has ever been.
From the time of the tonsillectomy, I sang constantly, to all kinds of music, from folk and pop, to classical, to musicals. If I liked it, I tried to sing and match who ever performed it. I took a fundamentals of singing class for nearly a decade. It was devoted to improving one's voice and technique, and being able to solo in front of people. I even started to sing opera as a form of vocal calisthenics, though I doubted I would ever be good at it. To my surprise, over time, I actually got so good at it that when I sang a piece in class all hell broke loose. Another, very good opera singer, came up to me and asked me "Where the hell did that voice come from!" My teacher was amazed, to say the least.
After 20 years or so, singing finally became my replacement for dance, and helped me regain my spiritual connection and expression, and my love and enjoyment of life. It also helped with all the depression and grief I still lived with, just as dance had done when I was young.
Another obstacle reared its ugly head though. I have horrible stage fright, so much so my throat tightens up, and I break out in a sweat. I dealt with this in class by either closing my eyes, or staring down at my music throughout the song. I never got over it. So, I would only sing alone, or in empty spaces. I never performed or sang in front of people, especially family. Even to this day I can not sing in front of family without choking up, even with my eyes closed. So I did two things: I bought music devices I could use an ear bud with and small enough to take with me on my travels around town in my wheelchair scooter. I sang (and still do) at the top of my lungs as I sped down the sidewalks. I found a place at the local mall that had an outside breezeway that had the same acoustics as a cathedral and would practice for hours there as people passed by, still with my eyes closed, but now I could ignore them as I sang and practiced. THEN, I slowly began to sing inside the stores as I shopped. That was the hardest of all, and still is. I still avoid eye contact LOL I got a local eccentric reputation, and even the local Trader Joe's adopted me as their unofficial mascot! The workers at Trader Joe's come over now and ask me with great concern when I am shopping AND not singing if I am all right! I love them!
With all this public singing I quite often got asked to join church choirs. Not being christian, I declined, but did join a women's vocal chorus called the Etude Women's' Chorus of Sonoma County. I was with them for about three years, but I was never very good. Practicing all my life to recorded music, simply following the melody became ingrained in me. Being a mezzo-soprano and having a 2.5 octave range, I would always end up sing the melody no mater which part of the chorus was singing it. Through everyone off, especially the sopranos, with whom I stood next to! So I finally left.
A few years later I ran into an old friend, who also took the singing classes with me, and has a great voice of her own. She sings with a group of women at a local church (for the acoustics), and they sing 12th century devotional music, known as liturgical songs, by "Hildegard of Bingen, O.S.B. (German: Hildegard von Bingen; Latin: Hildegardis Bingensis; 1098 – 17 September 1179), also known as Saint Hildegard and Sibyl of the Rhine, was a German Benedictine abbess, writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, visionary, and polymath. She is considered to be the founder of scientific natural history in Germany." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hildegard_of_Bingen My friend invited me to join. Since I have always loved her music and wanted to learn it, and the group was an informal one, I said yes.
I loved going and the music was thrilling. One day though, my back was hurting me more than usual. I was not sure I was going to be able to stay for the whole hour and a half of practice. So I took a deep breath and sang with the group for about 20 to 30 minutes. When we stopped I noticed that my back no longer hurt like it did. It was not only now bearable, but quite better than normal. I had heard of singing being good for depression, the immune system, for healing, and so forth, but I had never directly experienced the recently claimed pain relief singing was suppose to give. Granted I still hurt all over, as usual, but the extra, aggravating pain was gone and my spirits had lifted as well. I was able to stay for the whole practice session. Some of the pain came back after arriving home, but most of it never came back that night at all.
In my travels in my wheelchair scooter, I began to take notice of how I felt after I had been singing for awhile, and yes, behold, I was actually feeling less pain and overall better. I had always thought it was the distraction of singing that had done it and being out and about, but now, after many trials in different circumstances I found that singing works nearly as good as opiates in taking the harshness out of breakthrough and new pain, and some of the regular chronic pain as well. This was amazing to me! So much so, I now sing not only for enjoyment, but to also control my pain levels along with my meds. After all these years you think I would have notice, or made the connection, but I simply had not. Most likely because I was still in pain, just less, so I never made the correlation before. What a wonderful gift this has been for and to me!
So after all the above, why do I sing? Well, I sing for a host or reasons, but mostly I sing for the shear joy of of it. These past 47 years of chronic pain, and over 55 years of chronic illness of one sort or another, I have found that one of the ways to survive is to find and create joy in one's life. This is true for anyone, chronically ill or not. Finding the joy in life should be something that we all learn to do and cherish. We need to protect that part of our life with passion, for it is what will get us through nearly everything and make life not only worth living, but a joy to live no mater our life circumstances. You can be poor as dirt or richer than god, but without cherishing and creating joy in life, one's life becomes a burden. At least that is what I have found, and singing is my major way of doing this. It also gives joy to others, another thing that gives joy back to me. It brings me out into the world, connects me to all that I see and that I meet, and have in my life. Singing and music, make life worth living, helps with living it, i.e. the chronic pain and illness, brings joy to oneself and to others, and simply put, it is fun.
So that is "why" and "how", with EDS-HT, I sing .........
BACKSTORY:
Before the EDS-HT cut short my dancing career, after training from age 8, till I was just turning 21, dance was my entire life. My spiritual connection and expression, my love and enjoyment of life. Dance helped with all the depression and grief that went along with having a grandiose narcissistic, with psychopathic tendencies, for a mother, a paranoid delusional schizophrenic for a biological father, a pedophile for an uncle (who was also my care-give when I was very young), and then all the chronic illnesses and pain that crept into my life in my early teens. Dance kept me sane, then it was gone. A year later my step-father died, the man that literally saved my life from my mother, my biological father, and my uncle, from age 6 to age 21. I was cut loose, adrift. I was having panic attacks and chronic PTSD events, which I did not know were PTSD events at the time. I simply thought I was going or always was crazy.
Other than dancing, singing was my second love. I worked and worked at it. Tried to sing myself asleep as a child, when the many sleep disorders would not let me. I was good at mimicking other singers, but my voice was never any good. I was all stuffed up from chronic allergies and my tonsils were chronically so swollen they often touched across my throat. Kissing tonsils I was told such tonsils were called. Then, at the age of 21, a miracle happened that not only saved my life from possible death or injury, it suddenly aloud me to sing.
That miracle was the removal of both my tonsils and adenoids. I was in the Air Force Reverse training to be an Avionic & Radar Navigation equipment Electronic Technician (yea, I am one of those people who use both sides of their brain LOL). The year before I joined I had had chronic swollen and infected tonsils. Meds no longer worked, and having had such issues since I was very young, I thought nothing of it and simply persevered. When I joined the Air Force they saw the situation, but said I had to wait 6 more months until they had an Air Force medical history of the problem. The ear nose and throat doctor pooh poohed me and refused to take them out, even when they did not respond to meds or treatment very well and would always come back in less than a week. This was the time when the medical community switched from removing tonsils regularly to not at all, for fear of compromising a patients immune system. The doctor said I should just suck it up and let my body fix itself. I noted that it had not done so in 1.5 years, but he said all he could consider in my case was the six months I was in the Air Force, the rest was just my say so. Not valid.
Finally he groaned and agreed to take them out, even though he felt that it was not medically necessary. I grabbed at the chance to end the misery. I woke up after surgery and there was my doctor sitting on the bed next to me, head hanging, and hands clasped between his knees. He barely tipped his head back, looked me in the eyes and said, while wringing his clasped hands, "I owe you a huge apology!". Why I asked. He said, still poised on the edge of the bed, "I have never seen a more deserving pair of tonsils that needed to be removed. They were literally rotting away inside your throat. When ever I tried to remove them they would simply fall apart from my slightest touch. You have the right to be so angry with me." I looked at this man, so full of horror at what he had put me through, he was obviously ready to take what ever I was going to give him. He was so sorry and was taking responsibility for his actions, and was not trying to avoid the consequences, so I told him that it was all okay. It turned out well, and he learned something and was taking full responsibility and acceptance for the consequences of his past actions. I saw no reason for further action. I respected him even more as a doctor now. To say the least he was floored and asked me if I was sure. I was. He was such a attentive doctor till I left the hospital after that conversation! LOL Though, got to say it was nice that I did not have to die for him to realize his mistakes. EDS-HT makes people very susceptible to infections, which can often become chronic in nature. But I was only 21 and I would not be diagnosed with EDS-HT till I was 52, just a measly ten years ago.
Suddenly, to my great joy, I could not only sing, I could, somewhat stay on key. What I was not aware of was that EDS-HT gave me an extremely high arched palate, and very flexible vocal chords. With the removal of tonsil and adenoids, the back of my throat was now clear, full and spacious. The high arch gave me a full round sound, and the flexible vocal chords, as I practiced and gained control, also added depth and a full 2.5 octave range. According to "Songwise, An Information Based Resource For Singers, By Vocal Technique Instructor, Karyn O'Connor" (http://www.singwise.com/cgi-bin/main.pl?section=articles&doc=VocalTractShaping) "Opening the throat [to maximize the resonating space] involves raising the soft palate (velum), lowering the larynx and assuming ideal positions of the articulators (the jaw, lips and tongue), as well as shaping of the mouth and use of facial muscles ... The technique of the open throat is intended to promote a type of relaxation or vocal release in the throat that helps the singer avoid constriction and tension that would otherwise throttle or stifle the tone.
An 'open throat' - a misnomer for a few reasons - is generally believed to produce a desirable sound quality that is perceived as resonant, round, open, free from 'constrictor tensions', pure, rich, vibrant and warm in tone. It also produces balance, coordination, evenness and consistency, and a prominent low formant, which prevents the tone from sounding overly bright, thin or shrill."
TODAY:
"overly bright, thin or shrill' was how I use to sound, now with my spanking brand new open throat, I had a great musical instrument. Now I needed to train it. But there was a down side to having EDS-HT: Stretchy and easily damaged vocal chords. Unbeknownst to me, EDS-HT singers often loose their ability to sing in and around mid life. I once lost my voice from crying and waling when my husband left me and my 2 year old daughter, partially because I was chronically ill and getting worse. Something he never thought would happen (getting worse that is) when we married. Nice guy. Loosing my voice so scared me that I have been extremely careful, and have sought out information on how to protect my vocal chords as a singer since then. It was the best thing I could have done. Because of being so careful, and learning how to sing properly, by studying and taking a general singing class (for nearly 10 years), at 62, my voice is the best it has ever been.
From the time of the tonsillectomy, I sang constantly, to all kinds of music, from folk and pop, to classical, to musicals. If I liked it, I tried to sing and match who ever performed it. I took a fundamentals of singing class for nearly a decade. It was devoted to improving one's voice and technique, and being able to solo in front of people. I even started to sing opera as a form of vocal calisthenics, though I doubted I would ever be good at it. To my surprise, over time, I actually got so good at it that when I sang a piece in class all hell broke loose. Another, very good opera singer, came up to me and asked me "Where the hell did that voice come from!" My teacher was amazed, to say the least.
After 20 years or so, singing finally became my replacement for dance, and helped me regain my spiritual connection and expression, and my love and enjoyment of life. It also helped with all the depression and grief I still lived with, just as dance had done when I was young.
Another obstacle reared its ugly head though. I have horrible stage fright, so much so my throat tightens up, and I break out in a sweat. I dealt with this in class by either closing my eyes, or staring down at my music throughout the song. I never got over it. So, I would only sing alone, or in empty spaces. I never performed or sang in front of people, especially family. Even to this day I can not sing in front of family without choking up, even with my eyes closed. So I did two things: I bought music devices I could use an ear bud with and small enough to take with me on my travels around town in my wheelchair scooter. I sang (and still do) at the top of my lungs as I sped down the sidewalks. I found a place at the local mall that had an outside breezeway that had the same acoustics as a cathedral and would practice for hours there as people passed by, still with my eyes closed, but now I could ignore them as I sang and practiced. THEN, I slowly began to sing inside the stores as I shopped. That was the hardest of all, and still is. I still avoid eye contact LOL I got a local eccentric reputation, and even the local Trader Joe's adopted me as their unofficial mascot! The workers at Trader Joe's come over now and ask me with great concern when I am shopping AND not singing if I am all right! I love them!
With all this public singing I quite often got asked to join church choirs. Not being christian, I declined, but did join a women's vocal chorus called the Etude Women's' Chorus of Sonoma County. I was with them for about three years, but I was never very good. Practicing all my life to recorded music, simply following the melody became ingrained in me. Being a mezzo-soprano and having a 2.5 octave range, I would always end up sing the melody no mater which part of the chorus was singing it. Through everyone off, especially the sopranos, with whom I stood next to! So I finally left.
A few years later I ran into an old friend, who also took the singing classes with me, and has a great voice of her own. She sings with a group of women at a local church (for the acoustics), and they sing 12th century devotional music, known as liturgical songs, by "Hildegard of Bingen, O.S.B. (German: Hildegard von Bingen; Latin: Hildegardis Bingensis; 1098 – 17 September 1179), also known as Saint Hildegard and Sibyl of the Rhine, was a German Benedictine abbess, writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, visionary, and polymath. She is considered to be the founder of scientific natural history in Germany." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hildegard_of_Bingen My friend invited me to join. Since I have always loved her music and wanted to learn it, and the group was an informal one, I said yes.
I loved going and the music was thrilling. One day though, my back was hurting me more than usual. I was not sure I was going to be able to stay for the whole hour and a half of practice. So I took a deep breath and sang with the group for about 20 to 30 minutes. When we stopped I noticed that my back no longer hurt like it did. It was not only now bearable, but quite better than normal. I had heard of singing being good for depression, the immune system, for healing, and so forth, but I had never directly experienced the recently claimed pain relief singing was suppose to give. Granted I still hurt all over, as usual, but the extra, aggravating pain was gone and my spirits had lifted as well. I was able to stay for the whole practice session. Some of the pain came back after arriving home, but most of it never came back that night at all.
In my travels in my wheelchair scooter, I began to take notice of how I felt after I had been singing for awhile, and yes, behold, I was actually feeling less pain and overall better. I had always thought it was the distraction of singing that had done it and being out and about, but now, after many trials in different circumstances I found that singing works nearly as good as opiates in taking the harshness out of breakthrough and new pain, and some of the regular chronic pain as well. This was amazing to me! So much so, I now sing not only for enjoyment, but to also control my pain levels along with my meds. After all these years you think I would have notice, or made the connection, but I simply had not. Most likely because I was still in pain, just less, so I never made the correlation before. What a wonderful gift this has been for and to me!
So after all the above, why do I sing? Well, I sing for a host or reasons, but mostly I sing for the shear joy of of it. These past 47 years of chronic pain, and over 55 years of chronic illness of one sort or another, I have found that one of the ways to survive is to find and create joy in one's life. This is true for anyone, chronically ill or not. Finding the joy in life should be something that we all learn to do and cherish. We need to protect that part of our life with passion, for it is what will get us through nearly everything and make life not only worth living, but a joy to live no mater our life circumstances. You can be poor as dirt or richer than god, but without cherishing and creating joy in life, one's life becomes a burden. At least that is what I have found, and singing is my major way of doing this. It also gives joy to others, another thing that gives joy back to me. It brings me out into the world, connects me to all that I see and that I meet, and have in my life. Singing and music, make life worth living, helps with living it, i.e. the chronic pain and illness, brings joy to oneself and to others, and simply put, it is fun.
So that is "why" and "how", with EDS-HT, I sing .........
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